Dear Readers, from this blog post onwards, we will be talking about issues and challenges that we usually tend to brush under the carpet. DiaryOfAnInsaneWriter brings to you #LetsFaceIt a series that will make you stop in your tracks and think again.
#LetsFaceIt: Not all mothers are loving and kind. Some are TOXIC…very TOXIC. Some spew negativity unknowingly and a large percentage uses an array of emotions to manipulate and control their children. ARE YOU A TOXIC MOTHER?
Picture this: Sunita is an 18-year-old girl whose mother is either complaining of illness or lamenting over the torture her in-laws used to subject her to 15 years ago. Despite being a homemaker, her mother is unable to keep the house clean, there are dirty dishes always piled up on the kitchen sink, clothes strewn across the house, old newspapers and rags in every corner, if guests are expected, the pile of clothes is hidden under a clean looking bed sheet. The highlight of the home is a truckload of plastic bags that are filled with stuff that is never used. Sunita’s mother is a great cook and loves the praise for her cooking. She constantly talks about how clean her house is and what a great cook she is. She worships God to the point of fanaticism and expects Sunita to do the same. Despite having another elder sibling, Sunita is expected to help in the house, not meet friends or pursue her dreams. Guess what, Sunita is not allowed to be on social media and her phone is constantly checked by her mother.
As a result: Sunita is a shy, meek girl who suffers from a great inferiority complex. She is never sure of herself or her decisions.
Deep within her heart, Sunita wishes that her mom would give her strength instead of sucking all energy from her. She hopes of a day when her mom would keep the house clean, smile and forget the past.
Picture this: Akash is a 42-year-old man, a high achiever, father of two. He is sandwiched between an elder brother and a younger sister. Akash has always been a rebel and feels a disconnect between his mother and him. He tries to please her in every way he can: spending time with her, talking to her on the phone for long hours & counselling her, showering her with gifts. When his mother visits, he ensures that his wife, kids and he are always on their toes serving her. Despite this, she never seems to be happy. She is always spying on him, doubting his intentions, cursing his wife and his marriage. She remains emotionally unavailable. She doubts every person he is in touch with and curses him that the relationship will break soon. Achievements & milestones are looked at with doubt and a tinge of envy. Nothing that he does seems to make her happy.
As a result: Akash doesn’t trust anyone and has difficulty in maintaining long-term relationships. He is a friend to many and known for being a positive and warm person at heart. But something about him keeps people from coming closer beyond a point. He avoids getting close to people with a fear that he is going to get hurt. At the work front, he is a control freak & though pleasant on the surface, can get quite intimidating to his co-workers.
Deep within his heart, Akash craves for love, attention and unconditional acceptance from his mother.
Picture this: 6-year-old Raisha is having severe constipation and learning troubles in school. She comes home every day with a stomach ache and medicines don’t seem to be working on her. She has difficulty in comprehending information and when the teacher steps closer to her to explain, she jerks away and goes into a shell. The paediatrician refers Raisha to a counsellor. After several sessions, it is revealed that Raisha has been watching her mother screaming and shouting at her grandparents. Instead of paying attention to her, her mother accuses her in-laws of feeding Raisha with junk. She scolds daddy dearest for the chocolate he lovingly bought for his princess. She throws a fit when the maid brings a cold glass of milk instead of a warm one. If she misses a single letter while writing, her mother scolds her and tells her that she is useless and stupid. Her mother often blamed her for spoiling her perfect ten features and figure. One day she even said that she wished that Raisha was never born.
As a result: Raisha was facing severe constipation and lived in constant fear of ridicule and mistreatment from her mother.
Deep within her heart: Counseling revealed that Raisha secretly wished that her mom was dead and a new mother like her friend Sonia’s mother would be her mother.
The relationship with the mother defines what the child becomes in life. A child’s self-image and view of the world largely depend on this relationship. If it is toxic then it can put serious roadblocks in life.
Where the mother is demonic and manipulative. If you have been experiencing recurring problems that have no apparent reason, then its time to relook at your relationship with your mother.
Difficult or toxic mother-daughter relationships are most common. If you are a mother who is always resenting their daughter and waiting for your daughter to fail, then chances are you have a dark side.
Toxic mothers are those who wait for their daughters to fail. They feel their importance will remain if their child crawls on their knees and begs for help – that is when their importance will be established. It’s sad that such children grow up to be scared of establishing close emotional relationships with others. On the other hand, one also sees that there are others who rose above this toxicity and nursed themselves back to emotional health – such cases are rare – but prevalent.
Do you have a dark side? Take a look at the infographic and rethink about the way you are dealing with your child. This infographic will help you do an emotional audit and work towards changing your behaviours.
DiaryOfAnInsaneWriter hopes that this blog post will help the society in building emotionally healthy individuals who will positively contribute to tomorrow’s new India.
Do share your thoughts, comments and experiences regarding this topic with us.